No I don't know how this entry could be punctuated by marshmallows, but I don't have time to do things like "go back" and "edit" and "make sense" so you'll have to bear with me.

(You would think this would be enough of a gift, but no. They spoiled me rotten all weekend long, starting with Evita and ending with the 20 Questions Ball that knows what an evil gay unicorn is ["Is it a unicorn?"] but doesn't know how to guess a baby ["a chicken?" "a Smurf?"] or the Mona Lisa ["a snowboard? a pizza?"] Suffice it to say that my birthday weekend would not have been anywhere close to as special as it was without Bruce and Ty. And then multiply that by three thousand.)

Before we went to the play, we hit a restaurant in the Tenderloin that dates back to the '30s. It's called Original Joe's, and it's kind of a cross between a diner, an Italian restaurant, and a fever dream. It's impossible to sum it up in words, I think, except to say that on the wall was a signed photo of Robert Goulet in his costume from Camelot, and that is awesome.

After dinner we headed to the theatre for the musical. An understudy sang the lead role as Eva Peron; her acting was good, but her singing was not up to the standards set by Madonna. And I thought Madonna was great, but there was room for improvement there.... so yeah. She was fine, but did not knock my socks off. Che, however, did knock my socks off. He reminded me of my friend Russ, who has an amazing singing voice. (I recommend having at least one friend with an amazing singing voice who can serenade you on your birthday.)

After that, we went and had lavender martinis at the Redwood Room. We waited in line for almost an hour to get in, while all the cute twenty-one-year-olds in short skirts got through. It was the only time during the weekend that I felt old! Ha! I think after a while we were just stubbornly determined to get in, even though really we should have left after the first fifteen minutes. Or slipped the guy a twenty and gotten it over with.

The lavender martinis were really good though. And the Harry Potter pictures were back: these wonderful and creepy portraits that ever so slightly do things like turn their heads, blink their eyes, and swallow.

On Saturday, we drove to the Napa Valley to go wine tasting. (Me, and Ian, and Bruce and Ty.) I hadn't been in a while, so that's what I wanted to do for my birthday. Oh man, we had a fabulous time. We got these wine passports that gave us free tastings at a bunch of wineries as well as a percentage off any wine we wanted to buy. Then we stopped at Dean and Deluca to sample (and buy) some amazing cheese, dipping oils, pastries, candy, and god knows what all. We sat and ate some of it in the car, if I recall correctly. We had had some wine. It's all a little hazy.

After that madness, we decided we were hungry (the dipping oils were an appetizer, obviously) and went to V. Sattui, a must if you are going to Napa. Their tastings are free all the time, plus they have an attached deli full of fabulous gourmet foods. We bought a bottle of their wine, some sandwiches, seafood salad, possibly more cheese, and had ourselves a picnic.

After that was more wine, and some walking around, and some chocolate, and some more gourmet oil sampling. We found an old box of macaroni and cheese in one of the shops, and we tried to buy it from them, but it was a no go. So we asked if we could take a picture of Ian with the box of macaroni and cheese, and they agreed.

Ian will have to be the one to tell you about his upcoming appearance on the Food Network, but the macaroni and cheese box collection lives on. (They made me do a bit of shtick where I "threw away" a box of his macaroni and cheese and he said "But wait! I need that for my collection!" We thought it might be more Emmy-worthy if I threw the box away and then he backhanded me like we were on COPS. "Bitch, what have I told you!?!" But no.)

Anyway, tangent! After the wineries closed, we headed to Restaurant Budo in Napa. We started off with a tuna tartare appetizer and some cocktails.

Then we had the chef's tasting menu for dinner. And there are no words as to how amazing this meal was. Lobster and tuna and hearts of palm and four kinds of dessert and, okay, here is my shameful admission. While I object to foie gras on an ethical basis and have never considered eating it before, it appeared on the tasting menu. Foie gras atop seared tuna with I think truffle oil, which we sopped up from our plates using the salt-and-pepper dinner rolls. And I must state for the record that it is literally the best thing I've ever eaten in my entire life.

The amuse bouche (which is the "pre-appetizer") provided the best story of our meal. Ironically, while we were waiting, Ian and I had just finished telling the story of our New Year's Eve dinner, which featured grasshoppers. "That would be the worst kind of first date meal, I think. 'Excuse me... you have something in your teeth.. I think it's a little leg...'"

After this story, Ty and I got served crab cakes as our amuse bouche. But Ian and Bruce each got a tiny whole crab staring up at him, little legs and all. We were so flabbergasted that I didn't even take a picture. You can see the crab on this page but it doesn't do it justice, really.

Ty and I were very proud of our men, and very happy that we had been let off the hooks with tiny crab cakes. Ian asked how to eat it, and was told to pop it whole into his mouth, which he did. And Bruce did it too, describing it as that kind of gum with liquid in the center: hard on the outside, gooshy on the inside. Yum?

The meal got a lot more normal from there, and as I said, it was incredible. The service was impeccable, possibly the best service I've ever gotten at a restaurant. (Sorry for all the superlatives, but it really is true.) The sommelier even gave us a complimentary glass of wine to pair with one of our courses. Kieca would have paid attention to the name of the wine; I did not. I was too busy dying, because the foie gras was so fucking good.

The next day was my actual birthday birthday, which was full of presents and phone calls and serenades and a sparkly butterfly ring and cards in the mail and a wonderful brunch at my favorite brunch spot with very many of my favorite people.

It may be tacky to talk about how great your presents were, but man, my presents were great! I got homemade cookies, lots of stuff for my trip (including a sleep mask with tulips on it), books for the plane, an ice cream maker, the Golden Girls Season One because "now you are old," ha! These terrifically cute drinking glasses, the aforementioned 20 Questions Ball, awesome notecards and birthday cards--even the wrapping paper was cool!

The most popular gift at my house on my birthday itself was the arcade game that you plug into your television set, allowing you to play Pole Position and Galaga and Ms. Pac Man--and more! After the excitement of the play, and the wine tasting, and the brunch, and seeing a friend\'s new baby, Ian and I spent a good part of the afternoon just playing with that arcade game, eating birthday cookies, being mellow.

And possibly the best surprise of all was a leftover gift from my last birthday, the Evil Gay Unicorn painting, which I had been told was destroyed and lost for all time! But it was a trick! It was not destroyed at all!! It just took Iggy a year to finish it! Exclamation point!

And there it is, in all its evil gay glory. And the 20 Questions ball knew exactly how to figure out what it was, in spite of the fact that the only questions it asked were things like "Can you play with it?" (no) and "Is it multicolored?" (yes) and "Does it live in the jungle?" (no). And despite the fact that we couldn't get it to guess "baby" no matter how much we tried.

I went home just amazed at how wonderful my friends are and how much I loved all my gifts and how lucky I am. And then I opened the gift my parents had sent me. It was signed "Love Mon [sic] and Dad" and "Enjoy your gift selected with loving care." What is it, I wondered! What had my parents gotten me for my landmark thirtieth birthday?

A box of assorted mixed nuts.

Oh my god, mixed nuts! I cannot even express my feelings. Except to say that my parents might be a little nuts--ha!--but I love them so very much. Times three thousand.